| "Work from home. Make big bucks in your | | | | the hermit remember when shower day arrives, |
| pajamas." - typical work-from-home ad. | | | | there is a simple four-part clinical procedure: |
| Quick. What do writers, stay-at-home parents and | | | | 1. Lift arm. |
| online marketing geeks have in common? I mean, | | | | 2. Insert nose. |
| besides insanity? They are all hermits. | | | | 3. If you faint, it's time to shower (when you |
| The typical writer locks himself up for years | | | | regain consciousness). |
| brooding in a dark room, surfacing only long | | | | 4. If you don't faint, schedule a shower -- as early |
| enough to find out who this year's American Idol | | | | as next week, if you have an opening. |
| is. This solitary brooding is supposed to help him | | | | Personally, I apply a simple rule of thumb. As long |
| develop a keen sense of the human condition. | | | | as I spend more time showering each week than |
| Stay-at-home parents are prisoners in their own | | | | I spend taking out the garbage, my wife probably |
| castles, as each child has a different toilet | | | | won't divorce me. Unless I forget to take out the |
| schedule. And a different nap schedule. And a | | | | garbage...again. |
| different tantrum schedule. By the time they are | | | | Here are a few more tips for shower-challenged |
| all buttoned up in their snowsuits and hopefully not | | | | hermits everywhere: |
| needing the bathroom in the next fifteen minutes, | | | | - Wear cologne. Lots of it. Your partner will think |
| the stores are all closed. | | | | you did it just for her. Or him. Or it. If you wear |
| Online marketing geeks sit down to their | | | | enough, the kids might even let you out. |
| computer screens in the morning. When they look | | | | - Wear many layers of thick clothes. Warning, if |
| up, they wonder how it got so dark. The next | | | | you live in Edmonton or Moscow this might force |
| time they look up, they wonder how it got so | | | | you to open all the windows to keep from |
| light again. | | | | smelling even worse. If you live in Dallas or Delhi, it |
| What a sad bunch. What a sorry lot. Who would | | | | might force you to close all your windows to |
| take on such careers? | | | | keep from smelling even worse. |
| I would. | | | | - Eat garlic for breakfast. If that doesn't work, |
| I'm a writer. I'm a Stay-at-home Dad. I'm an online | | | | eat garlic for lunch, too. And for dinner. And for |
| marketing geek. I'm ... Super Hermit! | | | | dessert. Nobody will notice your shower schedule, |
| "Get dressed." | | | | and the kids will definitely let you out. |
| "Why? Don't you like my pajamas anymore?" | | | | We professional hermits also lose touch with our |
| "You have to go out." | | | | friends. |
| "What?! Why would I do something so radical?" | | | | "Hey David. How have you been? It's Al." |
| "It's Tuesday. You have a big outing." | | | | "Al? Al who?" |
| "Tuesday? Tuesday? What's Tuesday?" | | | | "It's Al. Your friend." |
| "Garbage day." | | | | "I have a friend?" |
| In the country, three minutes to the road and | | | | If working in your pajamas appeals to you, |
| back with the bags, then again with the recycling, | | | | perhaps to avoid being the next victim of the |
| qualifies as a big outing for a professional hermit. | | | | "What Not to Wear at Work" TV crew, a career |
| In fact, that's more time than most couples | | | | as a professional hermit is your ideal gig. Pick up a |
| spend each week being a couple. | | | | pen and paper, get yourself a second-hand |
| If this sounds like just the kind of self-inflicted bliss | | | | computer, or borrow some kids. |
| you've been itching for, there are a few things | | | | If you barricade yourself in your house long |
| you should know before making the big career | | | | enough, you can enjoy your very own life of |
| switch. | | | | abnormal isolation and solitude. And everyone will |
| A dedicated hermit often skips a shower. | | | | know just what to buy you for Christmas - |
| Sometimes, the hermit gets away with it. To help | | | | pajamas. |