| ScottishA few weeks ago there was a small stir | | | | and then effortlessly switches direction in |
| of excitement in our area, which briefly lit up the | | | | mid-stride as Master sprawls into the rosepatch. |
| gloom of our northern Scottish winter like the | | | | And they're our friends.We all know the human |
| Northern Lights, which are quite visible to us at | | | | race is notoriously sensitive to criticism, and I |
| this latitude. Apparently a man - a Marine, no less | | | | don't suppose the animal kingdom took us very |
| - had walked, wearing nothing but a grin and a | | | | seriously before we equipped ourselves with guns, |
| beard straight out of Lord of the Rings, from the | | | | boots, Landrovers etc. Perhaps a few of the |
| south of England into Scotland, up past Loch Ness | | | | more vulnerable and touchy families got together |
| and the Highlands where I live, and on to the very | | | | one day and decided to head out for colder |
| northernmost point, John O'Groats - in winter. A | | | | climes, where it would be possible to dress up and |
| Scottish winter, at that. I'm not sure where his | | | | hide their bony knees without feeling they were |
| starting point was but he must have walked | | | | being stared at. I read somewhere that the whole |
| about six hundred miles. Forest Gump would have | | | | population of northern Europeans could be traced |
| been impressed. It was either a very brave, or | | | | back to about five gene types (genotypes?). If I |
| foolhardy course of action, depending on your | | | | understand this right it means that around five |
| point of view but it certainly bought him his | | | | families were responsible for the diversity of |
| fifteen minutes of fame. There he was on TV, | | | | virtually the whole of Western culture from |
| being carefully filmed from the waist up, the way | | | | Boadicea (Boudicca to Guardian readers) to |
| they used to film Elvis Presley in the early | | | | George Bush. Nepotism on a grand scale. So, |
| days."Everyone", he said, "should be free to follow | | | | bearing this true and staggering fact in mind, my |
| my example if they've a mind to". 'Not even as a | | | | theory about our neurotic ancestors could |
| joke', thought the whole of Scotland, 'and even | | | | account for a lot of things, couldn't it?What do |
| less in winter' The police didn't see the funny side | | | | you mean, 'In a pigs eye'? Don't you know people |
| of it either. He was arrested five or six times and | | | | laughed at Darwin when he brought out his |
| spent several nights in prison cells, covered by a | | | | theory, and they would certainly have done the |
| blanket (the police's idea, not his). I remember | | | | same to Einstein if they'd understood what he |
| scanning the local papers for the headline 'Man | | | | was talking about? Anyway, if I'm right, my idea |
| arrested for palely loitering', but it wasn't to be. I | | | | throws some light on seemingly irrational activities |
| still think they missed one there." He was certainly | | | | like war, mud wrestling and round-the-world yacht |
| persistant. He finally arrived at his destination and | | | | racing. A large claim, you may say, but consider; |
| no, he didn't throw himself off a high point into | | | | those pioneer Europeans who came trudging all |
| the North Sea, which some people thought (I | | | | the way from the plains of Africa (I seem to |
| won't say hoped) might be the logical end to his | | | | recall reading in a book by H.G.Wells that they |
| journey. As far as I know he got dressed, took a | | | | came from India, but I'll think about that |
| train to his hometown and quietly faded back into | | | | tomorrow); these hardy pioneers, like so many |
| obscurity, leaving us with a memory, like the | | | | Pilgrim Fathers searching for a new horizon, went |
| Cheshire cat's grin. All this was, I suppose, to | | | | to an awful lot of trouble just to soothe their |
| make the point that he had the inalienable right to | | | | wounded dignity and avoid ridicule. (Remember? |
| freeze anytime he had a mind to. Well, point | | | | They were laughed out of Africa? - try to keep |
| taken, but this little saga set me thinking. Why | | | | up, it all fits).Now, does any of this seem familiar? |
| have we never had our own coat, like other | | | | You betcha. It's the M.O. of just about every |
| animals? 'But we do', I hear you cry, 'and anyway | | | | politician you ever heard of. One imagined slight |
| I'm not an animal'. Oh yes you most certainly are, | | | | and you have shoes banged on conference tables, |
| Madam, and besides, I mean the kind of coat | | | | and sanctions applied at the very least, and at the |
| you're born with."Almost every animal, from a | | | | worst - well, you know what I'm saying. And |
| mouse to a moose has a coat. Ok, elephants | | | | there you have it. These are the same guys who |
| don't, and maybe hippos, but I suppose they have | | | | led us out of swampy old Africa in the year dot - |
| extra thick skin to compensate. No, beyond | | | | give or take a couple of millennia. Neat theory,eh? |
| dispute, we are the only animal that has to keep | | | | Better than the string theory. I wonder why |
| warm by getting dressed every morning by the | | | | nobody ever thought of it before? It's a pity |
| fire. The reason we are coatless seems fairly | | | | though, that it doesn't seem to have any practical |
| obvious. Didn't we start out under the hot sun of | | | | application. I mean, you couldn't gather up all our |
| Africa, and so had no need of a natural coat? | | | | leaders and put them back in the African veldt. |
| Hmm... then how about gorillas, who share 98% | | | | Could you?As for our friend the intrepid Marine, |
| of our genes? They're pretty hairy, no question, | | | | who trekked all the way up north in his birthday |
| so why didn't they shed their coat? You don't see | | | | suit - he's done Scotland; maybe he should try |
| them prancing about in their bare skin? Alright, | | | | Africa next...James Donaldson CollinsJames |
| let's try it from a different angle. Why did we | | | | Donaldson Collins is an artist and writer. He lives in |
| move out of Africa? I have a theory. Suppose | | | | the Scottish Highlands with his wife, daughter and |
| the other animals started snickering behind their | | | | three dogs. His paintings of wolves, dogs and |
| paws as they watched us tottering around on our | | | | other animals can be seen on his portraits |
| spindly legs? Or maybe we just thought we | | | | website. His interests are conservation, wolves, |
| detected a sardonic look or two. No, really, I'm | | | | dogs, history, science fiction, chess and snooker. |
| serious. Anybody who's ever played tag with a | | | | He also tells anyone who will listen that he plays |
| dog in the garden knows how clumsy they think | | | | guitar like a ringing a bell. |
| we are. Just watch as Bracken feints to the left | | | | |