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Out of Africa - An Improbable Tail

ScottishA few weeks ago there was a small feints to the left and then effortlessly
stir of excitement in our area, which switches direction in mid-stride as Master
briefly lit up the gloom of our northern sprawls into the rosepatch. And they're
Scottish winter like the Northern Lights, our friends.We all know the human race is
which are quite visible to us at this notoriously sensitive to criticism, and I
latitude. Apparently a man - a Marine, no don't suppose the animal kingdom took us
less - had walked, wearing nothing but a very seriously before we equipped
grin and a beard straight out of Lord of ourselves with guns, boots, Landrovers
the Rings, from the south of England into etc. Perhaps a few of the more vulnerable
Scotland, up past Loch Ness and the and touchy families got together one day
Highlands where I live, and on to the very and decided to head out for colder climes,
northernmost point, John O'Groats - in where it would be possible to dress up and
winter. A Scottish winter, at that. I'm hide their bony knees without feeling they
not sure where his starting point was but were being stared at. I read somewhere
he must have walked about six hundred that the whole population of northern
miles. Forest Gump would have been Europeans could be traced back to about
impressed. It was either a very brave, or five gene types (genotypes?). If I
foolhardy course of action, depending on understand this right it means that around
your point of view but it certainly bought five families were responsible for the
him his fifteen minutes of fame. There he diversity of virtually the whole of
was on TV, being carefully filmed from the Western culture from Boadicea (Boudicca to
waist up, the way they used to film Elvis Guardian readers) to George Bush. Nepotism
Presley in the early days."Everyone", he on a grand scale. So, bearing this true
said, "should be free to follow my example and staggering fact in mind, my theory
if they've a mind to". 'Not even as a about our neurotic ancestors could account
joke', thought the whole of Scotland, 'and for a lot of things, couldn't it?What do
even less in winter' The police didn't see you mean, 'In a pigs eye'? Don't you know
the funny side of it either. He was people laughed at Darwin when he brought
arrested five or six times and spent out his theory, and they would certainly
several nights in prison cells, covered by have done the same to Einstein if they'd
a blanket (the police's idea, not his). I understood what he was talking about?
remember scanning the local papers for the Anyway, if I'm right, my idea throws some
headline 'Man arrested for palely light on seemingly irrational activities
loitering', but it wasn't to be. I still like war, mud wrestling and
think they missed one there." He was round-the-world yacht racing. A large
certainly persistant. He finally arrived claim, you may say, but consider; those
at his destination and no, he didn't throw pioneer Europeans who came trudging all
himself off a high point into the North the way from the plains of Africa (I seem
Sea, which some people thought (I won't to recall reading in a book by H.G.Wells
say hoped) might be the logical end to his that they came from India, but I'll think
journey. As far as I know he got dressed, about that tomorrow); these hardy
took a train to his hometown and quietly pioneers, like so many Pilgrim Fathers
faded back into obscurity, leaving us with searching for a new horizon, went to an
a memory, like the Cheshire cat's grin. awful lot of trouble just to soothe their
All this was, I suppose, to make the point wounded dignity and avoid ridicule.
that he had the inalienable right to (Remember? They were laughed out of
freeze anytime he had a mind to. Well, Africa? - try to keep up, it all
point taken, but this little saga set me fits).Now, does any of this seem familiar?
thinking. Why have we never had our own You betcha. It's the M.O. of just about
coat, like other animals? 'But we do', I every politician you ever heard of. One
hear you cry, 'and anyway I'm not an imagined slight and you have shoes banged
animal'. Oh yes you most certainly are, on conference tables, and sanctions
Madam, and besides, I mean the kind of applied at the very least, and at the
coat you're born with."Almost every worst - well, you know what I'm saying.
animal, from a mouse to a moose has a And there you have it. These are the same
coat. Ok, elephants don't, and maybe guys who led us out of swampy old Africa
hippos, but I suppose they have extra in the year dot - give or take a couple of
thick skin to compensate. No, beyond millennia. Neat theory,eh? Better than the
dispute, we are the only animal that has string theory. I wonder why nobody ever
to keep warm by getting dressed every thought of it before? It's a pity though,
morning by the fire. The reason we are that it doesn't seem to have any practical
coatless seems fairly obvious. Didn't we application. I mean, you couldn't gather
start out under the hot sun of Africa, and up all our leaders and put them back in
so had no need of a natural coat? Hmm... the African veldt. Could you?As for our
then how about gorillas, who share 98% of friend the intrepid Marine, who trekked
our genes? They're pretty hairy, no all the way up north in his birthday suit
question, so why didn't they shed their - he's done Scotland; maybe he should try
coat? You don't see them prancing about in Africa next...James Donaldson CollinsJames
their bare skin? Alright, let's try it Donaldson Collins is an artist and writer.
from a different angle. Why did we move He lives in the Scottish Highlands with
out of Africa? I have a theory. Suppose his wife, daughter and three dogs. His
the other animals started snickering paintings of wolves, dogs and other
behind their paws as they watched us animals can be seen on his portraits
tottering around on our spindly legs? Or website. His interests are conservation,
maybe we just thought we detected a wolves, dogs, history, science fiction,
sardonic look or two. No, really, I'm chess and snooker. He also tells anyone
serious. Anybody who's ever played tag who will listen that he plays guitar like
with a dog in the garden knows how clumsy a ringing a bell.
they think we are. Just watch as Bracken




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