Out of Africa - An Improbable Tail

ScottishA few weeks ago there was a small stirand then effortlessly switches direction in
of excitement in our area, which briefly lit up themid-stride as Master sprawls into the rosepatch.
gloom of our northern Scottish winter like theAnd they're our friends.We all know the human
Northern Lights, which are quite visible to us atrace is notoriously sensitive to criticism, and I
this latitude. Apparently a man - a Marine, no lessdon't suppose the animal kingdom took us very
- had walked, wearing nothing but a grin and aseriously before we equipped ourselves with guns,
beard straight out of Lord of the Rings, from theboots, Landrovers etc. Perhaps a few of the
south of England into Scotland, up past Loch Nessmore vulnerable and touchy families got together
and the Highlands where I live, and on to the veryone day and decided to head out for colder
northernmost point, John O'Groats - in winter. Aclimes, where it would be possible to dress up and
Scottish winter, at that. I'm not sure where hishide their bony knees without feeling they were
starting point was but he must have walkedbeing stared at. I read somewhere that the whole
about six hundred miles. Forest Gump would havepopulation of northern Europeans could be traced
been impressed. It was either a very brave, orback to about five gene types (genotypes?). If I
foolhardy course of action, depending on yourunderstand this right it means that around five
point of view but it certainly bought him hisfamilies were responsible for the diversity of
fifteen minutes of fame. There he was on TV,virtually the whole of Western culture from
being carefully filmed from the waist up, the wayBoadicea (Boudicca to Guardian readers) to
they used to film Elvis Presley in the earlyGeorge Bush. Nepotism on a grand scale. So,
days."Everyone", he said, "should be free to followbearing this true and staggering fact in mind, my
my example if they've a mind to". 'Not even as atheory about our neurotic ancestors could
joke', thought the whole of Scotland, 'and evenaccount for a lot of things, couldn't it?What do
less in winter' The police didn't see the funny sideyou mean, 'In a pigs eye'? Don't you know people
of it either. He was arrested five or six times andlaughed at Darwin when he brought out his
spent several nights in prison cells, covered by atheory, and they would certainly have done the
blanket (the police's idea, not his). I remembersame to Einstein if they'd understood what he
scanning the local papers for the headline 'Manwas talking about? Anyway, if I'm right, my idea
arrested for palely loitering', but it wasn't to be. Ithrows some light on seemingly irrational activities
still think they missed one there." He was certainlylike war, mud wrestling and round-the-world yacht
persistant. He finally arrived at his destination andracing. A large claim, you may say, but consider;
no, he didn't throw himself off a high point intothose pioneer Europeans who came trudging all
the North Sea, which some people thought (Ithe way from the plains of Africa (I seem to
won't say hoped) might be the logical end to hisrecall reading in a book by H.G.Wells that they
journey. As far as I know he got dressed, took acame from India, but I'll think about that
train to his hometown and quietly faded back intotomorrow); these hardy pioneers, like so many
obscurity, leaving us with a memory, like thePilgrim Fathers searching for a new horizon, went
Cheshire cat's grin. All this was, I suppose, toto an awful lot of trouble just to soothe their
make the point that he had the inalienable right towounded dignity and avoid ridicule. (Remember?
freeze anytime he had a mind to. Well, pointThey were laughed out of Africa? - try to keep
taken, but this little saga set me thinking. Whyup, it all fits).Now, does any of this seem familiar?
have we never had our own coat, like otherYou betcha. It's the M.O. of just about every
animals? 'But we do', I hear you cry, 'and anywaypolitician you ever heard of. One imagined slight
I'm not an animal'. Oh yes you most certainly are,and you have shoes banged on conference tables,
Madam, and besides, I mean the kind of coatand sanctions applied at the very least, and at the
you're born with."Almost every animal, from aworst - well, you know what I'm saying. And
mouse to a moose has a coat. Ok, elephantsthere you have it. These are the same guys who
don't, and maybe hippos, but I suppose they haveled us out of swampy old Africa in the year dot -
extra thick skin to compensate. No, beyondgive or take a couple of millennia. Neat theory,eh?
dispute, we are the only animal that has to keepBetter than the string theory. I wonder why
warm by getting dressed every morning by thenobody ever thought of it before? It's a pity
fire. The reason we are coatless seems fairlythough, that it doesn't seem to have any practical
obvious. Didn't we start out under the hot sun ofapplication. I mean, you couldn't gather up all our
Africa, and so had no need of a natural coat?leaders and put them back in the African veldt.
Hmm... then how about gorillas, who share 98%Could you?As for our friend the intrepid Marine,
of our genes? They're pretty hairy, no question,who trekked all the way up north in his birthday
so why didn't they shed their coat? You don't seesuit - he's done Scotland; maybe he should try
them prancing about in their bare skin? Alright,Africa next...James Donaldson CollinsJames
let's try it from a different angle. Why did weDonaldson Collins is an artist and writer. He lives in
move out of Africa? I have a theory. Supposethe Scottish Highlands with his wife, daughter and
the other animals started snickering behind theirthree dogs. His paintings of wolves, dogs and
paws as they watched us tottering around on ourother animals can be seen on his portraits
spindly legs? Or maybe we just thought wewebsite. His interests are conservation, wolves,
detected a sardonic look or two. No, really, I'mdogs, history, science fiction, chess and snooker.
serious. Anybody who's ever played tag with aHe also tells anyone who will listen that he plays
dog in the garden knows how clumsy they thinkguitar like a ringing a bell.
we are. Just watch as Bracken feints to the left