| ScottishA few weeks ago there was a small
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| | feints to the left and then effortlessly
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| stir of excitement in our area, which
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| | switches direction in mid-stride as Master
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| briefly lit up the gloom of our northern
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| | sprawls into the rosepatch. And they're
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| Scottish winter like the Northern Lights,
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| | our friends.We all know the human race is
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| which are quite visible to us at this
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| | notoriously sensitive to criticism, and I
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| latitude. Apparently a man - a Marine, no
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| | don't suppose the animal kingdom took us
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| less - had walked, wearing nothing but a
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| | very seriously before we equipped
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| grin and a beard straight out of Lord of
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| | ourselves with guns, boots, Landrovers
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| the Rings, from the south of England into
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| | etc. Perhaps a few of the more vulnerable
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| Scotland, up past Loch Ness and the
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| | and touchy families got together one day
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| Highlands where I live, and on to the very
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| | and decided to head out for colder climes,
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| northernmost point, John O'Groats - in
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| | where it would be possible to dress up and
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| winter. A Scottish winter, at that. I'm
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| | hide their bony knees without feeling they
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| not sure where his starting point was but
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| | were being stared at. I read somewhere
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| he must have walked about six hundred
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| | that the whole population of northern
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| miles. Forest Gump would have been
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| | Europeans could be traced back to about
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| impressed. It was either a very brave, or
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| | five gene types (genotypes?). If I
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| foolhardy course of action, depending on
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| | understand this right it means that around
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| your point of view but it certainly bought
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| | five families were responsible for the
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| him his fifteen minutes of fame. There he
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| | diversity of virtually the whole of
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| was on TV, being carefully filmed from the
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| | Western culture from Boadicea (Boudicca to
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| waist up, the way they used to film Elvis
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| | Guardian readers) to George Bush. Nepotism
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| Presley in the early days."Everyone", he
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| | on a grand scale. So, bearing this true
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| said, "should be free to follow my example
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| | and staggering fact in mind, my theory
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| if they've a mind to". 'Not even as a
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| | about our neurotic ancestors could account
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| joke', thought the whole of Scotland, 'and
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| | for a lot of things, couldn't it?What do
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| even less in winter' The police didn't see
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| | you mean, 'In a pigs eye'? Don't you know
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| the funny side of it either. He was
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| | people laughed at Darwin when he brought
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| arrested five or six times and spent
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| | out his theory, and they would certainly
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| several nights in prison cells, covered by
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| | have done the same to Einstein if they'd
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| a blanket (the police's idea, not his). I
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| | understood what he was talking about?
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| remember scanning the local papers for the
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| | Anyway, if I'm right, my idea throws some
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| headline 'Man arrested for palely
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| | light on seemingly irrational activities
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| loitering', but it wasn't to be. I still
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| | like war, mud wrestling and
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| think they missed one there." He was
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| | round-the-world yacht racing. A large
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| certainly persistant. He finally arrived
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| | claim, you may say, but consider; those
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| at his destination and no, he didn't throw
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| | pioneer Europeans who came trudging all
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| himself off a high point into the North
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| | the way from the plains of Africa (I seem
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| Sea, which some people thought (I won't
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| | to recall reading in a book by H.G.Wells
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| say hoped) might be the logical end to his
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| | that they came from India, but I'll think
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| journey. As far as I know he got dressed,
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| | about that tomorrow); these hardy
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| took a train to his hometown and quietly
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| | pioneers, like so many Pilgrim Fathers
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| faded back into obscurity, leaving us with
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| | searching for a new horizon, went to an
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| a memory, like the Cheshire cat's grin.
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| | awful lot of trouble just to soothe their
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| All this was, I suppose, to make the point
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| | wounded dignity and avoid ridicule.
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| that he had the inalienable right to
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| | (Remember? They were laughed out of
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| freeze anytime he had a mind to. Well,
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| | Africa? - try to keep up, it all
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| point taken, but this little saga set me
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| | fits).Now, does any of this seem familiar?
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| thinking. Why have we never had our own
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| | You betcha. It's the M.O. of just about
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| coat, like other animals? 'But we do', I
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| | every politician you ever heard of. One
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| hear you cry, 'and anyway I'm not an
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| | imagined slight and you have shoes banged
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| animal'. Oh yes you most certainly are,
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| | on conference tables, and sanctions
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| Madam, and besides, I mean the kind of
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| | applied at the very least, and at the
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| coat you're born with."Almost every
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| | worst - well, you know what I'm saying.
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| animal, from a mouse to a moose has a
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| | And there you have it. These are the same
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| coat. Ok, elephants don't, and maybe
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| | guys who led us out of swampy old Africa
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| hippos, but I suppose they have extra
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| | in the year dot - give or take a couple of
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| thick skin to compensate. No, beyond
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| | millennia. Neat theory,eh? Better than the
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| dispute, we are the only animal that has
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| | string theory. I wonder why nobody ever
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| to keep warm by getting dressed every
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| | thought of it before? It's a pity though,
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| morning by the fire. The reason we are
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| | that it doesn't seem to have any practical
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| coatless seems fairly obvious. Didn't we
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| | application. I mean, you couldn't gather
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| start out under the hot sun of Africa, and
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| | up all our leaders and put them back in
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| so had no need of a natural coat? Hmm...
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| | the African veldt. Could you?As for our
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| then how about gorillas, who share 98% of
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| | friend the intrepid Marine, who trekked
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| our genes? They're pretty hairy, no
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| | all the way up north in his birthday suit
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| question, so why didn't they shed their
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| | - he's done Scotland; maybe he should try
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| coat? You don't see them prancing about in
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| | Africa next...James Donaldson CollinsJames
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| their bare skin? Alright, let's try it
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| | Donaldson Collins is an artist and writer.
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| from a different angle. Why did we move
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| | He lives in the Scottish Highlands with
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| out of Africa? I have a theory. Suppose
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| | his wife, daughter and three dogs. His
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| the other animals started snickering
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| | paintings of wolves, dogs and other
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| behind their paws as they watched us
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| | animals can be seen on his portraits
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| tottering around on our spindly legs? Or
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| | website. His interests are conservation,
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| maybe we just thought we detected a
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| | wolves, dogs, history, science fiction,
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| sardonic look or two. No, really, I'm
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| | chess and snooker. He also tells anyone
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| serious. Anybody who's ever played tag
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| | who will listen that he plays guitar like
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| with a dog in the garden knows how clumsy
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| | a ringing a bell.
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| they think we are. Just watch as Bracken
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